August 2009
1 post
Hell?
I’m thinking about applying for a job at the Department of Social Services. I think I could do it for just one year, and then go to graduate school. Will this cause me to hate myself and go to hell. On the plus, if i got hired I would be making 10 - 15000 more a year than I’m make now. On the negative, it’s DSS. Yes or No?
I don't want to offend you or anything
I was talking to a client about hair, when all of a sudden she got really awkward and says, “well, I don’t know how you feel about the gays, but my hair dressers is gay”. I just laughed and said I love the gays, it’s 2009”. Then we discussed the gay men in our lives that we loved.
June 2009
10 posts
Healthy choice
Right as I was about to eat my dinner, a drunk lady refused to leave the shelter unless I gave her a pair of comfortable shoes. I went to get her some shoes. When I came back, she was having a seizure. I placed my frozen meal down somewhere in between realizing she was having a seizure, calling 911, and yelling can you hear me. After the ambulance took her away, I went to find my dinner, and it...
MJ
I watched the Michael Jackson coverage with the shelter residents. Michael brought together the two warring groups in the house. One woman does not believe he is dead. However, she also believes that Lee Harvey Oswald killed Martin Luther King. We were all upset that the ABC coverage included the allegations of misconduct. Let the man had the dignity in death that the press would not give him...
It's not mine I promise
I have been searching the internet with my client to figure out how long it will take to get pot out of her system. We had to decide if she was a constant smoker or an regular smoker. She was smoking every day, twice a day, about a “nickel bag”. It has been a month since she last smoked pot, and she failed a drug test today. On a positive note she tested negative for...
“People from Asheville have great legs. I think it’s from walking up all of...”
– . - my client who is awkward and from the Midwest
My office smells like cancer
For the first time ever I saw white women curly perming their hair. It smelled horrible and looked worse than it smelled. I felt like it was 1985. I asked so many questions. I have now forgiven all white people for asking me 50 million questions about my dreds and/or hair weave. Also, tonight a client said about some actor, “he’s so fine, he must be a faggot”. This was after a...
the new 19 year old Golden Girls
The ladies are talking about sex, again. Client A said that women always fall in love with the first person they have sex with. Client B said that’s not true, and it didn’t happen to her. Client A then asked Client B how old she was when she lost her virginity. Client B said 19. Client A then said, “you were a old lady and that’s why you didn’t fall in love”.
Thanks?
My client told me she likes the way I dress because I “look classy, but not like my cloths cost a lot of money”. She also said that she loves that “someone as dark as me” wears such bright colors confidently.
Checklists are not magic
This toddler kept crying. So I went to check on him and his teen mom. The mom was on her cell phone. The kid was rolling around on the floor, taking off his socks. So I went through this checklist called “Why is my baby crying”. The answer, the baby is sick and doesn’t feel good. The mom then rolls her eyes like the checklist made her kid sick and the kid was fine before I came...
Yet another reason not to work at DSS
While sitting at her cubicle, someone punched a DSS social worker in the face. Allegedly the client didn’t like the questions the worker asked him, specifically questioning his previous address. Crazy!
What is it good for?
While talking about the war in Iraq, my client called the government the “cover-ment”. I cannot believe that I have never heard anyone use that phrase. Another client said that Iraq was “to little to talk all that mess [what mess]”.
May 2009
11 posts
Thieving ass ho
A client stole the shelter’s portable crib and one of the Muslim lady’s hijabs. So, the Muslim lady called the thief and cursed her out. Then a client went to the projects to take the shelter’s crib back from the thieving ass ho. This all happened during my shift, so I had to explain to my boss how a homeless person could sneak a crib out of the shelter.
Homeless fashion tips
While wearing a stone wash mini skirt, a client just told me my shirt was ugly. I didn’t tell her that tattoos were ugly and permanent.
how do you stop staring at boobs?
How do you learn to stop staring at boobs? It’s really unprofessional, but I can’t stop myself from looking at huge boobs.
Katt Williams does not approve
Tonight, I have heard a white woman saying nigger at least 20 times. She received a note under her door that said "Nigger lover (N was capitalized in the note)". She thinks it's because she threw out another residents food "by mistake". Our conversation about the note went like this:
Her: "I got this note. It says nigger lover." Me: "I'm sorry. That's horrible.". Her: "I know. I can't believe it says nigger lover. I love black men not niggers. Anyone can be a nigger. A nigger is an ignorant person. They are calling my daughter a nigger. Nigger lover, can you believe it. If one of my friends call me a nigger lover that would be different, but a stranger calling me a nigger lover is wrong, you know?." She then repeated this conversation with the full N word for anyone who would listen.
The Surreal Life
Hearing a 19 year old talk about going to her 5 year old daughter’s birthday party sad. Hearing her say that She is excited because all of her “youngins” will be there is surreal.
I stand corrected
I asked the white Muslim when she converted to Islam. She said, “You don’t convert to Islam, you revert. You are born Muslim even if your parents teach you something else.”
Are you there Allah, it's me Margaret?
Now the women are watching a movie (that looks like it was made in the 80s) on how to be a Muslim. I just watched the part on how hygiene. I learned Muslims (I don’t remember if it was gender specific) are suppose to cut their arm pit and pubic hair at least once every 40 days. There was a demonstration on how to properly wash your hands and reminders to clip your nails.
Religious Recruiting
I am listening to a white, recent convert to Islam tell another white woman (who is considering converting) and a Latina woman how to say “praise be to God” in Arabic. The woman who is considering converting only dates black men. She believes converting to Islam increases her chances of finding a black man that wants to get married. I should have thought of that when I was single.
April 2009
19 posts
Jesus
I wonder if I’m going to hell for lying about my religious practices. In the South, homeless people love Jesus, and they don’t trust you if you don’t love Him too. Tonight a client told me that she prays for me every night. I told her that I appreciate it because one can never have too many people praying for you. I should have stopped there, but instead I told her I pray for her...
Department of Stupid Shit
I just got back from a DSS team meeting. It sucked. The social worker there would talk louder and with a thicker Southern accent when I asked her to clarify the nonsense she said. I feel sorry for DSS workers. Their jobs suck, they are overworked, and every non DSS social worker hates them and thinks they are bureaucrats. If for some crazy reason you feel the call to social work, just say no to...
Eggs
I looked up for my 19 year old client how she can sell her eggs. She would receive $5000. Meanwhile, a client offered me her fetus for free. Two of my major concerns are: 1) she will smoke throughout the pregnancy 2). she gets to name the child. Thank goddess I’m not in the market for a baby, those are tough terms.
I can't help you if we are both going crazy.
It sucks having pregnancy scare while a client is also having a pregnancy scare. I’m in the clear. I hope my client is too.
baby or fetus?
Baby or fetus?
A client who had an abortion last month is pregnant again. As we discussed her options, I wasn’t sure if I should say fetus or baby. I’m 100% pro-choice, but when your discussing a second abortion in a month, saying fetus seems to minimize the fact that she is pregnant, and absolve her of responsibility. What would you say, fetus or baby?
I guess anyone can be a social worker
I just learned that one of my crazy exs is a social worker. We have a mutual client. This city is so small.
FYI
You do not started a request with “I need for you to …” Especially if you have an attitude. That will make your social worker annoyed. Try, “will you” or “can you”. Thank you is appreciated, but not necessary. Also, you do not have to exaggerate your need for things. Tonight, instead of just asking for tampons, a woman said, “I need tampons because...
Ungrateful Bitches
On my way to work yesterday, I stopped to get something from the grocery store, and I saw my favorite sherbet, Hola Frutu Pomegranate Blueberry. I bought it thinking I would have an impromptu ice cream social at the shelter. About half of the woman came to me and said, “Next time you have an ‘ice cream social’ make sure it’s real ice cream.”. They then refused to try...
My 19 year old client has had 7 pimps in the last 4 years. She is talking on the phone to her 41 year old ex. The hardest thing about my job is seeing people make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
That's my social worker (laugh track here)
I am bringing back high fives. Whenever a client does or says something amazing I say, “now you know I need a high five for that”. It’s like an late 80s sitcom and that’s my “woah” or “what you talking ‘bout Willis”. They laugh at me like I’m a dork, but they love it! Tomorrow I’m showing “Lars And The Real Girl” because...
I shouldn't have worn my Uggs today.
Sometimes my clients make me feel like a horrible, spoiled, over consuming person. Tonight I was talking with a woman about all she has been through to try and give plasma. If you give plasma, you are paid $30. She wanted $30 so that when she goes to jail two weeks from now, she can buy a schunchie for her hair, a deck of cards for solitaire, and soda and chocolate when she is on her period.
U are in JesUs
I’m referring a client to a mental health provider. Her only requirements are that the provider is located on the bus line, and that her counselor “knows Jesus”. She said “if they don’t know Jesus, then Jesus can’t help them help me”.
a white bm
I asked a client if her mom was Latina. She said, “no my mom is regular”.
Friday night shelter fun
I want to adopt my 19 black client. I want to take her home and tell her that she doesn’t need sleep 40+ year old men to get $14.00 jeans from TJ Maxxx. I have a 55 year old Jewish client who smokes peach flavored cigars (black and milds) only on the weekends. I brought seasons 1 and 2 of Dinosaurs to watch with the ladies. That show was a hit!
Last night I spent over an hour explaining to a 19 year old girl (who looks 14) that while she is very smart and sweet, any man over 30 that want to have sex with her is a pedophile. I’m trying to get her to agree to not date any man over 25. Then she said 25 year olds are babies, and asked if the age could change if she dated women. I said no.
You are great, really.
Things are still going great with my clients, except for one who asked to borrow a dollar so that she could buy a pregnancy test from to dollar store (but whatevs she hasn’t even missed her period yet). Sometimes I love my job and feel like motivational speaker Tony Robbins.
Why the Fuck Do You Have a Kid? →
(via bol)
March 2009
8 posts
Sunshine, rainbows, and hearts
My clients are doing so well right now. I feel like I’m doing a good job when they are succeeding. Nothing can bring my mood down. Even when one client inappropriately told me that she is good at sex; I just feel great because she has a job that is unrelated to sex. The times when a social workers job goes this well are few and far between. So, I’m going to enjoy it until someone...
Court
Tonight, a 50 something white woman asked me if I could help her attach a draw string ponytail to her cornrows. She wanted to make sure she looked professional for court. Before she went to bed, she carefully wrapped up her cornrows with a pink du-rag.
I look at their boobs, they look at my boobs.
While I was explaining a rule to a client, she said to me, “Can I ask you a question, with no disrespect?”. I was sure she was going to say something racist. Instead she asked me my bra size! She said she got a brand new bra from a clothing closet, with the tags, but it didn’t fit her (she didn’t say if it was to big or to small). I didn’t tell her the size of my...
Safe Sex
I just finished talking to a forty something white woman in a tube top which said “Baby Girl”, about safe sex. I agreed with her when she said after 6 months with a partner (and you have been tested [my addition]) then off with the condoms. However I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell her that agree with her since she may or may not have an STD in that post-six month period.
Hair color
Mix one part black cherry kool-aid to brown hair dye, to get an amazing burgundy color. A little tip from a client.
Rachel Ray
I have a new 20 year old client. She has four children. None of her children live with her, and she is pregnant with her 5th child. I felt so old today when I took her to a food pantry and all she chose was popcorn, orange soda, milk, and Captain Crunch.